Punting From Here To Maternity
The Sunday Age
Sunday October 21, 2007
THE Harmses had their first family outing yesterday - an afternoon on the punt in room 21 of the maternity ward. It was a sensational afternoon. The only problem is that if young Theo thinks every family outing is going to be as dramatic, he's in for a life of disappointment.
In the morning, I headed out to the Trans-Australian Bank and backed Any Other Jockey in the Jockey's Challenge. I also put on a few quaddies, around Maybe Better, Maldivian and Master O'Reilly.Back in room 21, the Handicapper had created a very peaceful atmosphere. Immaculately tidy. Beautiful flowers. Theo: fast asleep in his crib. And the Handicapper sitting at the table enjoying lunch.I turned on Channel Nine's coverage and fired up the laptop. I was relieved when the phone line connected me to the Betfair and TAB online sites. Everything was set. I'd even given Theo a quick lesson in smuggling in a few beers.Not that he was too concerned. He didn't stir for the first two races. And when he stuck his head up for the third, it was to point out to his mother he was hungry.We were looking pretty good in the Jockey's Challenge. Blake Shinn had put us in front, and I was telling Theo how we were now in a great position to lay off for the rest of the afternoon and this was what beating bookies was all about. ("You need to assume the initiative, son.")Theo slept. The Handicapper read. The room was still serene. Shinn maintained his lead and we got the first leg of the quaddie. Maybe Better kept shortening.That's when things got really interesting. First, there was a knock at the door. Cale (the milliner) had come to visit, bearing (blue and white hooped) gifts. Cale (the milliner) being a good Mildura girl, I now had an excuse to open a beer. We were toasting Theo, who was still asleep, and Maybe Better, when the phone rang. A friend from Brisbane. It was now 10 minutes before the cup and I was feeling rather unsettled, trying to concentrate on getting some bets on.That's when Theo woke up. Simon O'Donnell anchoring, a crying baby, a new mother talking on the phone, and Cale (the milliner) gulping beer doesn't do much for serenity. The Handicapper picked Theo up just as the horses were going into the barrier. "I need to change his nappy," she said.Blokes will recognise this as code for "Can you change his nappy?" But they were about to jump and I was feeling good about Maybe Better. The girls were doing the honours, while Maldivian was belting his head, or something, on the gate, and something else was happening and maybe Eskimo Queen was out and the baby was crying and I was trying to hear if they were late scratchings and look at the Betfair site to see what the deductions had done to the market and my betting position and I just thought Theo wasn't taking enough interest in the cup at all and then they jumped and I stood on the armchair with my face close to the TV so I could point to Maybe Better in the run so the girls could change the nappy and see the race at the same time and Cale (the milliner) was thinking, "Fatherhood hasn't changed him", and Theo was in top voice and I thought I was in bedlam and I watched as Maybe Better worked into the race but was wide and then couldn't sustain the run and then it was Master O'Reilly hitting the front and winning.Which was OK, as long as we backed D. Nikolic in the last two races because he was the only jockey who could beat us. But just as I was going to back Lord Of The Dance, the connection failed and we missed the $10. And that was it. Done. Flogged. Because, of course, D. Nikolic won the Jockey's Challenge, we missed the quaddie and we couldn't get out in the last.But don't worry, Theo, because you have learnt one of the axioms of racing today. So many strange things happened that only one conclusion can be drawn: ignore the form.
© 2007 The Sunday Age